Letter from a (formerly) Broken Heart

Start dismantling your life at the end of a relationship and you will discover more about yourself than at any other time, except for perhaps illness. All those uncomfortable things that have been ignored, all those compromises you were determined never to make. The feeling that your heart has been ripped out and your guts are dripping on the floor for the whole damn world to see, even as you try desperately to hold it together.

Start clearing your computer, deleting and moving files over and you will discover all the projects you never got to, all the classes and calls you downloaded but never listened to. All that space that was taken up games that took up way more time than was really necessary.

Start clearing out your apartment, after you have still been living together, and see the truth that eventually pulled you apart: this person that was once your love has been in a relationship with themselves for a long time, and it hasn't been going well. No matter how much you might be loved, the spirit has fallen apart so badly that it may never be put back together. Or at least that is the impression that is being gotten.

While you've been busily hiding out from joy, from possibility, from life, everything in your world has been deeply affected. Just keep thinking I should have left sooner or I wish this could be fixed and see how far that gets you. Pay attention to the shock that registers on peoples faces when you respond to their "You haven't together that long" with an answer of thirteen years. They cannot quite comprehend it, all those years and now it is all over, time to move on.

Know that those shoulds are not helping you. They don't change the past. Know that now is the perfect time to give yourself all the things you have been longing for; that deep love and understanding. That truth that includes accepting yourself for all that you are and not worrying about all that you are not. Now is the time to get real forgiveness, to get honest with yourself and get down with love. There is so much out there waiting for you and it isn't in the form of another person. It's in the form of you, becoming your self at long last.

Know that it happened at this time for a reason. Maybe it was all timing. Maybe it was because you have so many amazing people in your life who were there when you needed them most. Maybe it's because whatever is waiting for you is finally ready and needs you be ready, too. Maybe it is to serve as a reminder that things can change dramatically and for the better in a short span of time.

Be gifted with the opportunity to recurate your life (hat tip to Jennifer, that has been my motto for a while now!) and then do it. Don't wait to get trapped by yourself again. Don't look for love outside of yourself until you have rekindled the love inside.

Don't ever forget that you are so much more than you have ever dreamed for yourself and that is just exactly what is waiting on the other side.

Don't forget that I love you. And that you will always be perfect.

Grief, Fathers, Change, Life

It's 12:52 a.m. and I've been sobbing for a half hour. This Sunday, November 10 2013 is the fourteenth anniversary of my fathers death. It breaks my heart every day because I miss him more than you can know. He was my friend, my mentor, my hero, my dear old dad.

And I let him down.

He had a stroke, two heart attacks and died twice on the operating table during knee surgery. The knee surgery he was having because he wanted to be more mobile for his family. I remember standing in the waiting room at the hospital in my work uniform prepared for the worst. When they brought him back his soul had gone walkabout. I remember realizing that he had very well known that he might never be coming home. I thank the heavens every single day that the last thing I ever said to him was 'I love you, dad.'

But I let him down.

Have you ever seen what a stroke does to someone? It can simply wipe them away. He lived on for three years in the nursing home, this man who looked like my father but wasn't present. His soul roaming the earth while we looked on, waiting day after day for what would come next. For some people death comes too quickly. For us, it changed our lives in the worst way, dragging on while we tried to pretend everything was fine. Daily visits to the hospital. My sisters moving away. Grief counselling, which I am still pissed about because that woman was awful. Awful. The struggle for life to move on, but it couldn't, not really, when our beloved lingered on in such a way.

I stopped going so often to the home.

You see, I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear it. To see the strongest man I ever knew knocked down in such a way. To see my younger brothers observing him in this way, they were so young and everyday after school they went to see him. It was painful to see my mother every day with that hope, that hope that he would come round, that he would come back, that he would be her husband and our Father again. He wasn't on machines, he was just so physically strong that he lived anyway, the very reason we never imagined him gone.

I died a little every time I saw him.

One evening I came in and he looked me in the eye. His hands moved with excitement. He said "aughter! aughter, aughter, aughter!!" Daughter. He knew me, he hadn't known me in a long time.

I died. I just died inside because I knew that it couldn't last. It was a moment, this moment when he was looking at me, his beautiful eyes so clear, my dad, and I knew that the next day all recognition would be gone. As I sat with him he was so happy. I could not rejoice because I was dying a little more knowing my dad was no longer my dad and my dad meant the world to me. I am the worst daughter ever in the history of daughters because I left him alone in that place, because I felt so alone without him, even though I know he would have sat at my bedside every single day for the rest of his life because that is how much he loved me, each of us, really.

I betrayed my father in the worst way.

It's 1:10 am and I cover my mouth my hand so I don't cry out. My pain is this wound that might never heal. I'm getting a headache from typing in the dark. I am guilty of a grievous sin. My brother barely recalls him, being only 8 or 9 when he died. I try to tell him, daddy loved you so much. He wanted the best for you. He thought each of us was a miracle in his life. But they are only words.

I am still alone, the only child he raised from the ground up, the only child who was so devoted to him that still, all these years later, my heart is breaking. This man who worked as a crossing guard so he could be home to help me with my homework. The man who made chicken soup and had dry towels waiting on rainy days, who got up at 3 am when I was sick and who cared for a bunch of motley children that weren't even related to him by blood.

I weep because blood makes no difference to me. He was my father, heart and soul and I can never beg him to forgive me for abandoning him. For all the questions I never asked. For all the days we never got. It is the anniversary of my fathers death and because of his existence in my life, I will never be the same.

Longings

"It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and must hunger after them." George Eliot

                                                ***    ****   ****    ****

What is it about longings that makes us look away in nervous fear? That moment when the thing we desire becomes a far away, impossible dream to be locked up in the heart and never discussed or shared?

I am willing to confess, with sadness, that there has been a lot of burying of desire around here. A lack of joyfilled moments. Stress and worry about money, food, living, thriving has sucked the joy so far out of us that we can no longer face the struggle.

It was in the midst of this heartbreak that I started the Joy Up. I did Spirits of Joy and the Summer Solstice cleanse with some success and uplifting. Yet the same things have been coming up again and again. Money, frustration with various aspects of life, lack of forward movement and opportunity.

Last week a friend from my entrepreneur classes asked if I still get excited about my work and my dream business. Imagine her face when I said 'No. I don't let myself get excited any more."

I don't let myself get excited.

So what else am I not letting myself get excited about?

One of the prompts in the Joy Up was to write a list of longings. Reading other peoples lists and watching the video prompt opened a flood gate. Two pages and a poem later, my clarity is that this is an area of my life that needs more attention. I've been looking for signs the last few days (go left here, drive three blocks, in the center lies your destination) even though I know that life is never that clear, there is a part of me that has been hopeful. Hopeful that things will get clearer, that life will ease up a bit, that my dreams can still be realized.

Longings, to me, look like a huge road sign. Ignoring my desires didn't make them go away. It didn't even make them lessen. It just made me more hungry. You know what happens when you are hungry? You buy junk food, you say mean things, you spend a lot of time tired, sad, lonely, and unclear. My soul is hungry. Your soul is hungry.

What are you longing for that you have chosen to ignore? Today might be a really good day to wake up those desires, have a little chat with them and see which ones will bring you to the place you long to be. Because ignoring desires doesn't kill them. It kills us.

Conversations With The Universe

I don't meditate much. When I do it seems like most of my time is spent quieting the chatter so I can get clear. Yesterday, ah yesterday. Tragedies of 1st world proportions were happening so I decided that maybe all that chatter might just actually need to be heard.....

    **********

Me: Hey Universe? Can we chat?

Universe: Of course.

Me: So, what gives? I'm working hard, really trying to let my light shine and put myself out there. What happened this past week? It felt a little...much.

Universe: You know. Just checking in.

Me: Checking in? Having me sit in overwhelm before breaking the blender in a freak wind and killing the laptop is checking in?

Universe: It's not a problem if you're committed. You're smart. You'll figure it out.

Me: *sigh* You know, I am so sick of hearing that. Honestly? Sometimes I think you hate me.

Universe: What?!! No way!! In fact, I'm really crazy about you!

Me: Okay, then how about cutting me some slack?

Universe: *snorts* Dollface, I've given you breaks. You really like to do things the hard way.

Me: *blushing* I don't. Actually, ease and flow sound pretty delightful right now.

Universe: So....you're ready for ease?

Me: Oh yes! I get it, you think I can't handle a life without chaos. We have proven that I really can though. I'm not asking for rainbows and Unicorns. Though I'm not oppossed if you feel like you want to toss those in, too.

Universe: Okay, then. More ease it is.

Me: Oh, and more glitter, please.

Universe: *nodding* Unicorns and more glitter. Got it. 

Biracial in 2013: It Still Matters

*Warning: in a rare turn, this post includes swearing*

I think it was my junior year of high school. We had a sub that day and we were filling out some of that random paperwork that gets sucked into a machine with your vital statistics that never gets seen again. At the race part, I had drawn a line with an extra box and written in 'mixed race'.

The sub didn't like that.

She insisted I had to choose and we had a rather heated discussion in which I told her I would do no such thing. I could not, in fact, choose between the ethnicity of my parents and I didn't really care what she had to say about it. In the end, I gave her that piece of paper exactly the way that it had been doctored but I was really troubled by her response. Later, in conversation with my parents, I expressed my frustration, feeling as I would many times throughout my life, that was no place for me if I didn't make a choice that seemed pretty lame.

                                                                           * * * * *                     

Currently one of my photographs is on the cover of Blackberry: a magazine, one of my art pieces is inside and one of my photos plus two of my poems are in the previous issue. A friend of mine told she was disappointed with the magazine being aimed the way it was because it leaves people out due to race. While happy to listen to anyones feelings and acknowledge they have the right to have them, I respectfully disagree. Having gotten to know the publisher via social media, I know her aim is very pure. In fact, it's even on the about page:

BLACKBERRY: a magazine aims to be a premier literary magazine featuring black women writers and artists. Its goal is to expose readers to the diversity of the black woman’s experience and strengthen the black female voice in both the mainstream and independent markets.

This, right here? This is why I wanted to be a part of it. 'featuring black women writers and artists. Its goal is to expose readers to the diversity of the black woman’s experience and strengthen the black female voice' 

 Because I know I am so, so lucky that the people in my life see me as more than a race and that means I get the chance to really be myself. Others are not so lucky. I wasn't always. I spent most of my teens years being called stupid, racially driven nicknames like 'chocolate vanilla swirl', 'oreo', and 'token Black girl'. Because those people were so needing me to be put in a category that they could make sense of, an adult  who didn't know me tried to force me claim myself as Black, even while every kid I knew told me daily I wasn't Black enough to really even be Black.

                                                                         * * * * * *

        I'm not adopted. These people are my parents. That is my real mom. Don't like it? Don't look.

 This might actually be the sweetest commercial I have ever seen in my life. It is representative not only of my own experience (!) but that of many others. (Read this fantastic opinion piece, I loved it. I went immediately to follow her on Twitter.) In 2011 it was reported that since 2000 the mixed-race population had grown 50%, or approx 4.2 million people. Yet they had to turn off the comments because so many people were saying insanely racist things. And then last year there was a huge mess over the Hunger Games (and by the way, if you read that & didn't know those characters were black? You. Are. A. Fucking. Idjit.)

I wish I could say I am shocked when people say racist things. I'm not. I hear it every day. Because way back when, when all the PC stuff started, I said this would happen. I said it would cause a problem. And partially it has. The real problem is just plain ignorance. The assumptions made about black people make my life hard even if I don't fit any part of the stereotypes; what people see is not that I am funny, charming, talented, kind, warm and loving. They see my skin color and that is enough for them to make a judgement call. Trust me when I say that is not something I say or take lightly.

                                                                         * * * * * * *

I get it. I want what you want. I would love for people to not walk up and ask me which of my parents is white. I wish no one ever said "You speak so well for a Black person", because then I wouldn't feel the need to look at strangers and say "Oh, for Fuck's sake!"

I would love if no one had ever pissed off my mom by asking if I was adopted. I would love if we could live a world where color lines don't exist. But we don't. I used to get all kinds of guff from my Black and Hispanic male friends and Black cousins for dating white guys. So I really do hear when you say it seems that we shouldn't be drawing our own lines of distinction in the sand. For me, it doesn't feel like drawing lines so much as coloring in between the ones that got drawn around me.

Sunday, Oyster Sunday (In Pictures)

Want to know what happened? Do stop by my friend Heather's spot for the deets!

And here is a link the Lemon Meltaways!

Five Things You Don't Know About Me

1) I changed my last name when I was 20, after much contemplation. It bugged my mother to no end and just confused everyone else. The two biggest reasons? I hated my last name and really craved my own identity. Check and check.

The Raven became part of my totem when I was 11 and believe it or not the deep connection I felt for Celtic mythology in my teens heavily influenced the choice of my last name. My gothic leanings and fascination with death lead me right to the Morrigan. So there you go. http://www.faerie-world.org/tales/deathgoddess.html

2) Singing was my first love and I always dreamed of growing up to be a rock star like Janet Jackson. I walked away from that dream because they kept telling me I needed to lose weight and lighten my hair. Singing means so much to me.....but not enough to lose myself.

This is a song I wrote when I was 18 and recorded about ten years ago. Still get excited when it pops on my mp3 player. 

3) My Meyers Briggs? INFJ. Bet you didn't see that coming.

4) I am a closet girlie girl who loves travel, B movies and photography

5) I wrote my very first poem at the age five about New Orleans. My parents could never figure out how I even knew about it.

Word of the Month for May: Focus

The other day while gazing at last month's new moon board I had a realization: most of that happened.

It feels like things are coming together a little easier. More engagement has been had! I went to this super magical art class. I wrote. I was more active within my online communities. There were some bad days. But all in all? April went pretty well.

So clearly, doing a new board was essential!

New moon? Eclipse? Not movies, baby, but the timing for a new board, new shifting, more magic.....

Checks and Balances

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.  ~Eckhart Tolle

Flower Envy- S.M. Raven

I used to have serious anger issues. I can be a chronic complainer if I don't keep myself in check. When in pain, I am a pretty face with a foul mouth, and it shocks people.

It is generally known that pissing me off is a bad, bad idea.

That said, it is easy to recognize now where so many of my anger issues came from. 

As a child & teen I saw a lot of injustices. 

There were so many wrongs to be righted. There still are. 

In my young mind that was my job. I still do.

The world is full of injustice today. It is also full of useless anger.

I say useless only because if nothing is ever done to solve the problem, the anger never goes away. It isn't wrong to be angry. But ranting constantly doesn't get you anywhere. Holding on to that anger, regardless of how justified you feel, doesn't get you anywhere. 

In fact, that ranting anger might be setting you so far back that it just might well be the reason you can't move forward.

 
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  ~Malachy McCourt

I'm not parting with my anger nor am I suggesting that you do so. It can be healthy when utilized for the greater good. For your greater good. Get angry, then do something about it. Complain about something then let it go. Give yourself some breathing room. 

Take a second and choose to believe that the world is not just filled with evil, hate and people who are trying to thwart you. 

Anger has it uses. Use your powers for you food and you can save the world, or at least some of your corner of it.

Just don't spend the rest of your life sitting on your own personal landmine.

Encounters of the Confusing Kind

I deleted the post I originally had planned for today. 

It was a little rant about people who think I hate them.

Until I realized that there is something even worse than people thinking I hate them.

People thinking I hate them and wanting to be around me anyway.

cookie hearts

 Disturbing, no? This, in my opinion, sad and confusing. Even worse is the fact that it isn't startling because it is hardly the first time it's happened. In general people who think I hate them tend to want to be around me even more than people who know I love them. 

My original post made me feel as though I had to apologize for someone else's neurosis and I realized I don't. It isn't my job to teach people to love themselves, right? Well, maybe it is. I have spent many years being an evangelist for self love. Anyone who mistreats you doesn't deserve your love, your loyalty or your heart.But. If there is a lot of longing to be around someone you believe you can barely stand you, it might be time for a little therapy.

This week I have a challenge for you: take a serious step back and examine some of your relationships. Are you fruitlessly chasing love? Are you allowing in people who don't make your heart sing to hold said heart in their hands? Are you projecting feelings onto some innocent bystander who is really trying to give you love?

And just so it's on the record, if you ever want to know if I don't like you the answer is really easy: I make no effort to talk to you. Ever. Anywhere. I don't respond to anything you say and if I have to see you face to face and can only talk blandly about the weather....

What love are you pursuing that doesn't honor your heart?

Blackberry: A magazine and a Giveaway!

For the past six months I have been wanting to write more. For the past three months I have been writing more. One of my goals was to submit to Blackberry: A Magazine, the lit magazine by my FB friend Alicia Sommer.

One of the reasons I have been wanting to submit is that I like what I see. More than any other magazine aimed at Black females I feel like this one gets me. Gets that I am not wanting to see a zillion ads for skin lightening cream or hair straightener. One that recognizes I am both reader and writer. One that has flesh, bone and blood.

So in January when I was able to pull together some pieces that would work with the theme I got so excited about submitting that when I was accepted there wasn't a lot of room left to get all crazy. Until Wednesday night when I got this message on FB: Hey S Luna Raven, look who made the cover. :)

Are you kidding me?!

So, I have two poems in this issue and I made the cover. I made the cover. I made the cover. Okay, I think it is safe to say that I am really, really excited!

Now the good for you part: if you buy a copy of the magazine, let me know in the comments so you can be entered to win a signed 5x7 copy of this photo. You can buy either the digital or print version of the mag, you just need to let me know in the comments that you did. That's it! It's so worth it, not only to support me (which I thank you for) but all the other ladies and the fabulous Alicia, who works so hard to make this so great!

The giveaway ends March 8th at Midnight. Don't be shy, tell all your friends!

<3

Luna

The Miracle of Love

What if you opened the closed door of your soul a tiny little crack? What would happen?

I suspect love might creep in. It might start out unnoticed. Sooner or later though, it would be to feel expansive. Illuminating. Hopeful.

Love

Is

Yours

For the asking.

The Universe has more than enough to give to every single living being in the whole entire world and still have plenty leftover. Don't feel selfish. Let love in. Unlock the door. Throw open your arms. Let yourself be wapped up in the comforting miracle of love in every form. (Unless it's stalker love. Then run like hell!) You aren't just loveable, my friend. You are love.

But sometimes the 'Verse needs a bit of help. Like that tiny crack I mentioned above. So this Valentine's Day don't worry about a date, or a fancy dinner. Don't worry if you are alone. Because if love can get in, you never really are.

The 2013 Life List

Can you believe it? Here we are at year number four of creating the life list. The original was inspired by Traca Savadogo and has evolved from there. Some things have been easy to cross off the list (learning to draw, taking up crochet, sewing classes) while some have remained a bit elusive like that trip to France...

This year I decided to take a look to see what I really wanted to keep, what I needed to add and what I am no longer moved by. This is me, now 37 and a half (what, if my six year niece can rock it, so can I!) and ready to really live more fully. According to my own standards!

My 2013 Life List is not about what I want to do before 2014. It is about what I want to do with my life. One of my all time favorite quotes Opportunities multiply as they are seized by Sun Tzu seems so apt here. They are easy to get when you reach out and grab them! Be sure to share what goals you are adding to your life list, I would love to see!

1) passport.....The paperwork is filled out! Just need the pictures and to pay the fee!

2) practice tea blending. I played around a bit last year, it's time to get serious! (see #11)

3) crochet clothes. I really need to make myself some sweaters!

4) Do more diy, canning, cocktails, accessories. Life skills, baby.

5) Visit Portland. Which will happen soon so I can hang out with this guy. He says it is best to come in the spring.

6) learn to spin fiber. My amazing friend Maia from Tactile Fibers is teaching me. I am not yet good.

7) Move more. Pilates, dancing, yoga. Whatever gets me moving I want more of it.

8) Archery and knife throwing. I can already hear the cries of terror. Haha!

9) Take Thai, Indian and Chinese cooking classes

10) Eat at August. Eat at Herbfarm.

11) Own a tea shop that is craft store adjacent.

12) Record an album of my songs.

13) Publish my books (short stories, poetry, cookbooks? sure)

14) Host my own TV show

15) Become a better swimmer

16)  Become more minimalist

17) sell more of my art

18) Learn to play an instrument

19) Travel! The Pyramids, Seattle, Alaska, the Caribbean, Hungary, Greece, Spain, Paris, New York, Ireland, Britain, Santa Fe, Amsterdam, Tokyo, Russia, the South of France, my beloved N'Awlins. Oh hell, I'm changing it to 'Become a jet setter.'

20) Get back into pastry. I want to play with Austrian and Hungarian pastry. And make more candy!

21) Immerse myself in art. Drawing, painting, photography.

22) Be kinder to my inner child. Thankfully, I am already more compassionate to my outer adult.

23) Become a better sewer and make my own clothes

24) do more diy skincare. Because I don't want to live in a bubble!

25) Go fan girl on Pierre Herme. I went fan girl on Emily Luchetti in 2012. She was so sweet!

26) Get a bicycle

27) Move into a nicer space

28) Give in to my inner girlie girl.

What are you ready to add or remove from your life list? What things are you ready to tackle for a fuller expression of life?

2012: A Year in Review

I shared my 'Did It' list for the year but I have some more to say. So I thought I would write up a little something sums up how I feel about the past year. 2012 was a rough year for many people. We have seen so much this year that has been startling and painful.

*One of the things that troubled me early this year was The Hunger Games. Not the books themselves but rather the insanely racist responses to some of the casting. Most of the people who were upset read the book. I read the book. People were upset that some of the characters were black. I totally got that the characters were black. They made unbelievably racist comments. I shook my head in sadness.

 *On another front, politicians once again distracted us from important questions like what will you do about the budget? and when you create a jobs bill? by picking on women. That is not to say that women's issues are not important, more that at this point I am convinced they do everything they can to distract us. I am also convinced that these men are either the stupidest men in the world or the smartest. I don't know. Because either they are distraction geniuses or truly so ignorant of human anatomy that they say really dumb things like 'a woman can shut down her body during rape.' Um, what?

*The World didn't end. Again. Much to the disappointment of naysayers and doomsday lovers everywhere the Apocalypse didn't happen. I feel kind of bad for all those who were waiting for it. Assuming of course that these are the same people who were busily giving away their world possessions to prepare for the rapture. So to disappoint you guys, but stop blaming the Mayans and try pointing the finger at all the wild predictors of The End.

*The U.S. has no idea what is going on anywhere else. That might sound unfair but did you know that as of September 2012 both Greece and Spain have a 25% unemployment rate? That there were violent riots earlier in the year because of the Euro? Yes? Great, help yourself to a cookie. No? Well, I suggest you google it.

*Memes took over Facebook and annoyed many, many people

*Large sugar filled drinks were banned in New York, California cities decided to enforce the ban on plastic bags that they passed years ago.

*Russia bans U.S. adoptions. What I hope is that this will create an increase of the adoptions of American children, many of whom spend their lives floating through a system that could seriously care less about them. It seems totally silly that Americans are adopting babies from other countries while American babies are being adopted by parents in other countries. For the record, I am pro adoption but I think that the system needs a serious overhaul.

*People went crazy with guns. In a big way. The Newtown massacre was awful. It doesn't stop there. We owe it to our children to create the safest spaces possible for them to live, play and get educated. All of them.

There is good news though, happening every day. This site tracks and shares it, because we could all use some good news!

It is my hope that 2013 will indeed see a more enlightened, more loving, less obsessed with stupid celebrities and reality shows version of the world come about. In the meantime, what happened in 2012 that stunned, moved or irritated you?

The 2012 'Did It' List

Last year I created a 'Did It' list inspired by this post and it helped muchly. Most of my life has been spent listening to people say 'She just doesn't live up to her potential', leaving me with the feeling that no matter I do it is never enough. The beauty of the 'did it' list is that I can see fully what I have done. I can celebrate myself with a pat on the back because that makes me more. And the best part is that thanks to my life coach I keep track of what I have done week to week. For myself. To create space to give myself room to grow. I think you should do it to.

I have also spent the last year looking for clues about what I am meant to do next and the yearning has slowly but surely made itself clear. In the New Year I fully intend to follow that line of thought and see where it goes. Realizing that the path is never straight, being filled as it is with detours! Make a list of the things you have done, fully recognize it and then give yourself a break. It's been a rough year for many but we made it through. I'm sharing the list with you not to brag but because what I have discovered is that celebrating your successes is not vain, it is vital.

In 2012 I:

*Read a ridiculous amount of books. I really liked Georgette Heyer, Inspiration Sandwich, and the Science of Getting Rich
 

*Started a knit/crochet with my friend Anna (it will be back in 2013!)

*Practiced good self care and compassion. Which has created a huge shift in how I feel about myself. And others.

*Crocheted scarves. And pins. And more.

*Did Pilates. And it kicked my ass. I loved it!!
 

*Took a belly dancing class.

*Wrote a few poems & songs. Started a couple short stories. Worked on my book(s).
 

*Created my first digital download.
 

*Attended Stitches West for the first time. It was pretty fabulous. I, of course, bought the weirdest stuff I could find to crochet with.
 

*Drew, painted and doodled. A lot.

*Sent my first newsletter
 

*Met one of my chef crushes, the delightful Emily Luchetti
 

*Got a sewing machine. Which I still haven't used.
 

*Went to bartending school! I even bartended at the U.S. Open.
 

*got a job (after two years off. yay!)

*was in my first cocktail competition. It was a real eye opening experience. Turns out I do like competition in the right context.

*bought my first corset (it's the French Underbust in red satin!)

*Took better care of my health than ever before. Healthy fruits and vegetable smoothies!I took naps and breaks when I needed them. Crazy, I know.

What wonderful things did you do this last year that you are ready to celebrate? I invite you to share, I would love to celebrate you and all you do! If you blog about it let me know so I can link to you! And if you want to check out another 'did it' list, visit Stephanie and see what she did this year. An amazing amount of good!! 

Utilize Your Resources

Do you ask for help when you need it?

Do you ask for what you need? Ever?

Or do you just grin and bear it?

If there are people in your life who can help make it better, who want to help make it better let them! Accept the love they are trying to share!

Be Free As The Stars

Today take the time to free yourself from a societal norm that is holding you back.

 One thing that you would like to escape that comes for you time and time again. 

Free yourself from one thought, one action, one memory that doesn't serve you.

Allow yourself to let in what you want, what you need, what you long for. 

Let yourself soar within your own heart.

Fly like a bird. Sing a song of love. Be as shiny as they come, a star in your own heavens.

A Surprising Anniversary

I can hardly believe it is already November! Since it is though I need to start it off right. This is a month to be thankful and today I am thankful for the love that I am surrounded by daily. In fact, I have been surrounded by the love above for a whopping 12 years. Sascha has been with me through my sickly mid twenties, culinary school, the death of soul mother, the loss of my family home, the death of my brother, and the last two years while I effed making art, he held the fort down and made sure we had a roof and food.

Today I am thankful that we made it through good times and bad, that we have a dog we love, a safe place to live and that we really do still love each other. Actually more than we did at the beginning. Happy Anniversary my love! Now, I'm off for a cuppa!

What are you grateful for today? Happy November 1st!

A Matter of Grief

Photograph (C) acuriousgirl 2011

 The world has been lately filled with a great sense of loss. There is so much going on out there that it is hard not to feel it, and deeply. When we think of grief, we tend to think of the loss as death or divorce, yet there are many types of loss that are often overshadowed. Any type of loss should be allowed space for grieving.

Sometimes sorrow can be over what appears to be a simple casualty, such as an injury or a job. Both of these can have huge impacts. Imagine having spent your life as a runner, falling & injuring the knee so bad that you can never run again. Grief may seem silly to outsiders, who may believe you are lucky you can still walk, but to the individual it can feel like a monumental misfortune, forever changing life’s landscape.

Losing a loved one is terrible and gut wrenching. Yet if you are so busy being strong for those around you when you finally take the time to mourn there may be more pain waiting for you than previously thought. Guilt, shame, hurt all pile up in a corner, waiting to be uncovered & swept out.

By denying yourself the right to mourn, you stifle your own healing process. If we bear in mind that quite often what we interpret as others judging us in truth us judging ourselves, we can gain the power of allowing ourselves permission to mourn whatever we have lost .

The demise of a dream, ability or any other loss should not be allowed to be judged by others as ridiculous or unimportant, because grief is very personal. The best way to work through any type of sadness is allow yourself to feel it, embrace it and once worked through, permitting us to see any benefit we may have missed.

In the end not all loss is bad and some loss is meant to give us opportunities we might otherwise have failed to spot. Working through the grieving process is both healthy and necessary, no matter what it is we grieve.