Re-Curating Your Life

I have shared before that I come from a long line of pack-rats. It is far too easy to ignore the piles of stuff from discarded hobbies, previous jobs, school and just general life. Somewhere in the midst of all that though, lies some other things. Your past. Some of your sense of self-worth. The secrets to your future.

Last week I decided to start cleaning as though I was moving. Turns out that was prophecy on my part. I know when I have to move by, but not where to or how that is going to happen. This is the scary stuff that is hard to face because getting complacent means we never have to. I'm not proud of it, but I did get complacent.

The last six months have been hard. Harder than any time we have had before. The money struggles have meant giving up things like hanging with friends and little luxuries. It has been stressful. It has finally taken its toll, meaning that after nearly 13 years, I find my self becoming single. There is a lot of sadness for both of us around because it isn't a lack of love that is causing the break. I have a lot of 'stuff' to sort through, mental, physical and emotional. Please bear with me during this technical difficulty. Please keep your hands inside the car and refrain from bad mouthing the man I am parting from. It isn't that kind of ride. Because we can honestly say that we still love each other.

One thing I can certainly admit is that I am not who or where I want to be and lack a clear vision of what that looks like. It would seem that he is feeling much. We've been at energetic odds for a while. There is another lesson in there; we humans tend to spend time fighting about things that don't matter and avoid talking about the things that do.

This is something I cut out of a magazine and pasted into my journal last week. It's all that is on the page. It is likely all that will be on the page. I send myself messages like a channeller, perhaps because that is the only way for me to hear them. I'm terrified of leaping yet once again I have no choice. This is a huge push of forward motion that I may be stumbling through but have to make it one way or the other. It is unbelievably sad and hard and yet it clearly needs to happen. This isn't shaky ground we're on any more.

My friend Jennifer, made a comment on one of my posts that she is 're-curating' her life. How powerful is that? I can stop battling and start re-curating. I can clean out, clean up, set free, let go, move in the right direction. It is not as if I am totally alone, although the loss of someone you love, still love, even if you cannot be with them leaves you feeling lonely and lost and sad.

Once the tears stop and the smoke clears, the best I can hope for is to land on my feet and not on my ass. I will take with me into the future the knowledge that love isn't always enough. Giving more of yourself or giving things up doesn't always work out in your favor. I will take with me the knowledge that I need to pay more attention to the signs at the side of the road that say 'stop here', 'speed limit 45 so you don't miss a thing' or 'now is a good time to stop the fight'. I will remember that being a little selfish is okay and some things aren't worth fighting over. Because battling your life is never a really good option.

Spicy Shrimp Soup

There's a magic that happens when you have good ingredients and plenty of time to create something rich in flavor and love. One of my old roommates used to make a soup of shrimp, peppers and potatoes. She always used fake butter to cook everything with before putting it all in a pot.

Not my style. The goal for me is always to layer the flavor, to build something from the bottom up that leaves you happy to the last bite. My version of the recipe is fairly simply yet with patience will leave you richly rewarded. Besides, fake butter is bad.

for two people as dinner. For four people, add in a salad.

1/2 a yellow onion, chopped
1/2 a red pepper, chopped
garlic, chopped (you can use as much or as little as you like)
1 large potato, chopped
1/2 large can of diced tomato
8 Oz shrimp
1 lime, sliced in quarters
salt, pepper, sriracha

Prep your mise-en-place. Once you start, you won't want to stop to chop something!

Saute the onion with a little coconut oil. Once the onion is soft and translucent, add the pepper, let soften a bit. Add in your garlic, let cook until garlic gives off scent. Put in your potato, cover with half can of tomatoes and water to fill the pot.

Simmer to cook the potatoes. Season with salt, pepper and sriracha to taste. If you use more than a few drops it can really spicy, so taste it before adding more! Drop in the shrimp just before serving so it doesn't over cook. Serve with good corn chips and a lime wedge or two for added flavor.

Portland: Food, Love and Rain

Last year my younger brother decided to move to Portland. I've spent the last year missing him as he is my partner in crime, the person I take to weird movies or museum days. I had the chance to go and hangout with him recently and we did a lot of eating, a minimum of drinking and some serious talking/watching of Dr. Who. Yes, we are those nerdy people who will stop to catch up on their favorite show while on vacation.

Portland was different than I expected. People keep telling me it's just like SF and Berkeley. Yes and no. Rather parts of it remind me of different places I have been both in California and otherwise. Someone told me Portland was small. Uh, not so much. In fact it was much bigger than I anticipated so navigating became easier once I sat down with my list and sorted out what was where.

Who knew there so many pods of food carts? Not I! We found most of them though we didn't have the chance to eat at all of them. That means there has to be another trip, right? The pod in the top pictures is actually walking distance from where Dorian lives, making it easier for us to get to. He had his first papusa and shocked me by loving the curtido as he dislikes both cabbage and carrots.We also hit up Blue Collar Baking company for scones and hot chocolate before heading to Voodoo Doughnut and then walking all over the Pearl.

Blue Collar Baking was quiet the day that we were there and a perfect spot to recharge our tired batteries after getting turned around and heading in the wrong direction for half a mile. The hot chocolate was perfect, not too chocolatey and the whipped cream has a nice swirl on it. I won't lie that we were left underwhelmed at Voodoo. The lemon cruller lacked lemon, the vanilla coconut was a bit to sweet and the peach fritter needed some more peaches as that was by far the best bit.

Look, we found my Alien pod to take me to the Mother Ship!

Once in the the Pearl we stopped for Thai food, hit up Powell's, dropped into a wonderful vintage shop called Eden and had gin and tonic at The Parish. The Parish is a joint I could see myself hanging out in a lot if I lived closer. Great atmosphere, a fun bartender (he said 'snarf, snarf' in conversation with someone else. He won my over completely with that) and really such a prime location. Definitely check it out! We also stumbled across an olive oil tasting room, Benessere. And in typical style, we attacked all the balsamic, which were pretty fab. Dorian preferred the Jalapeno while I leaned toward Fig. Thus we can tell you nothing about the olive oils until next time.

Saturday we had a really full and adventurous day! After finding some serious treasure at the Farmer's market, including hazelnuts, gorgeous snap peas, pepper jelly and biscuits....okay, can I just rhapsodize a bit here about that? Pine State Biscuits has this delectable sandwich called the Reggie which features fried chicken, bacon and gravy on a biscuit.It normally comes with cheese which it doesn't necessarily need. Dorian was able to get shiitake mushroom gravy, which he said only needed a bit of hot sauce, but he says that about everything! It was an all around win.

We visited Fat Fancy, where I found the cutest pair of green & blue shiny pants that still pain me to have left behind. But they were a size too small and petite so that would have been ridiculous. I didn't even bother trying them on. But I am still really in love with those pants, and I can certainly about them until I find something equally cute. If you are looking for cute vintage in plus sizes sold by totally adorable people, go forth and visit! You will be glad you did.

Realizing that a ton of the places that were on the list we wanted to see in the same neighborhood it was easier to plan. So off we went to The Belmont district filled with funky shops, another food cart pod and gorgeous houses. Along the way we discovered a tiny shop filled with some of the most gorgeous masks. And lucky you she is on Etsy! After hitting up a few more vintage stores, including Savvy Plus, we decided it was time to back to the real work: eating.

We stopped for a lefse and pie but stayed for the biscuits. Blues City Biscuits was just an extra fun and delightful time. The Howlin' Wolf, shrimp & grits with bacon and greens was excellent. We went back for more biscuits because Dorian was getting quite swoony over them. I'm willing to bet that if the lovely lady behind the counter had been willing, he was just about ready to propose. Yup, we are also people who would marry you just because you can make something we love to eat perfect.

The perfectly flaky biscuits were warm and slathered with honey butter. So you can see how one might be induced to go into a food coma with so much good stuff around. Since we had to walk them off so we stopped for cocktails at the Hereafter. Their signature drink comes in a mason jar filled with ice tea, lemonade, bourbon and vodka. Uh, yeah, I limited him to one!

Sunday we went to Multnomah Falls. Lovely.

Really, we barely scratched the surface but I look forward to my next visit and our next adventure. Until then, cheers!

Messages from the Canvas

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Isolation is a Dreamkiller. Barbara Sher

                                                                                                                                                   

The Motherload

 I have purple paint under my fingernail. In my mind, I'm still dancing with glitter paint and painting flowers. Paint, paint, paint. I sit at home doing my artwork and wondering, who will like this, who will connect to this, who will care? I suspect that it is the same for many artists.

The choice to go check out an intuitive art class wasn't a conscious one. That was a soul choice, rising up from within, clamoring for something deeper. I was nervous. So used to feeling out of sync with the dynamic in a room. Awkward. The warmth of my welcome was not lost on me. Hmmmm...... I was hugged, I was greeted kindly, I was listened to.

This isn't an art class on a typical level. You aren't there to learn how to draw or paint better. The purpose is get into the work and listen to your inner guide. It is so easy to forget that there is so much wisdom within us. Our inner guides, our intuition has so much to say.

Painting in a quiet room filled with other people is liberating. Knowing that there is someone there to help if you need creates a sense of peace that is needed when getting deep into the process. Which I did. These shifting waves that began in March are still tumbling over me. Still opening me.

And then came a message from the canvas. While I am ready to create more space, this is not a practice I have much experience in. Clearly my subconscious is letting me know that it is time to create something new. It is both exciting and terrifying.

My takeaway from Chris Zydel's Intuitive Art class? That out of syncness doesn't have to exist. This is not a competition. The only person I need to get really vulnerable with in that room is myself. And that is possibly the greatest challenge of all.

Giveaway Winner...and the Danger of Thinking for Others

I've been feeling kind of emo this week.Only two people entered my giveaway, leaving me to believe that only two people liked my photo enough to want to have a copy of it. Which hurts. You see, I'm pretty damn proud of being published again. I never mean to take a hiatus but coming back from one is not always easy. It requires shifting and being open to change. And making the cover was like someone had handed me the perfect slice of cake and then handed me an even better one.

I love photography and always have. Getting a shot that was well received was worth celebrating! I decided to do a giveaway when I was accepted because that photo almost never happened. I almost walked away from it. The fact that it made it into the magazine was a good reminder; sometimes our higher self is speaking to an unrevealed purpose and a photo isn't just a photo.

It was delightful to wake up to a dear friend who posted on FB and commented on the blog. Her response was so moving and elated it nearly made my heart burst. And then....nothing. I could see that people were reading the post. What I couldn't see was if anyone was buying the magazine or who did. Because I am in the magazine and not the creator or editor. I mentioned to one of my closest friends that it seemed really odd to me that no one else had entered the giveaway.

And you know what she said? "I didn't think it was for friends and family." Um. Okay. So I took it to FB and let the world know that it was open to anyone who bought the magazine. I mentioned it to another friend who said she had assumed the same thing. You guys are just killing me.

See this face? That is how I felt this week.

Don't get me wrong: I am so happy that so many of my friends congratulated me and bought the magazine. It is really much more appreciated that you might ever know. 

As it turns out, I learned a valuable lesson I want to share: Don't think for the Seller.

In business and love we often get tripped up by assuming we know what the other person is thinking. Even when they tell is what they are thinking, we, for someone unknown reason, believe that we are correct in our original assessment. And the one thing I can confidently promise you is this: that type of thought process has cost you way more than just one great photograph. And I would really hate for any other opportunities, in general, to pass you by.

*drumroll*

  
The giveaway winner is....both Angel and Pinky! That kind of support deserves a reward and since there are two copies, there are two winners. Thank you both for entering, it means a lot!

My Word of 2013: More

 "A seed, dropped into the ground, springs into activity, and in the act of living produces a hundred seeds; life, by living, multiplies itself." Wallace D. Wattles

a journal page from two years ago

I have had a hard time choosing my word for the year. There were a few that stuck out for me: feminine, shifting, release. The word that stuck though is from a book I have been reading, The Science of Getting Rich. I realize that more is really what I want even though I haven't really been able to put that into the context I was trying to convey. Luckily, Wattles did it quite nicely for me.

"It is the natural and inherent impulse to seek to live more; it is the nature of intelligence to enlarge itself, and of consciousness to seek to extend the boundaries and find fuller expression." 

More to me means:

 

More love: Not just what I take in, what I allow in. What I send out. Including to myself. And I reserve the right to say I don't love someone or want them in my life. Because true self love means not allowing people, things or situations into your life that hold you down or harm you,

More sacred yes. And no: I made a firm decision in November that I needed to be more thoughtful of my yes and no's. I am proud to say that I have done well with honoring my own values which means I am creating a healthy space for others to do the same, for me and for themselves.

More health: the smoothie kick we jumped on a few months ago is still going. We have been taking it seriously, a feat that is made easier by doing it together. Also, more walking, more movement, more nutrient dense food. So boring, I know!

More! More good decisions, more rest, more art, more organization, more time with friends, more travel. Expansion, expression, fullness, open dreaming, letting the sky not be the limit because there is a world beyond it!

What is your word for 2013? What represents where you want to go or who you want to be more of in this shiny new year? What are you releasing so you can grab what you want? Share with me in the comments!

Where do You Want to Go?

I know where I'm going.

I even see how it's beginning to happen as it takes shape. But I'm not ready to get there yet.

'Serenity' photo (C) Seletta M Raven

Well, that isn't really true. I am more ready than ever before. I am actively working towards it. Some days it feels as though no progress has been made in any direction, though that is far from true. Where I want and need to go doesn't look to me anything like it does to anyone else. I am finally comfortable with letting the flow happen. Because fighting the current only causes more trouble!

My ultimate goal is to have my needs met and my wants exceeded.

Where are you wanting to go that you are not quite ready for? Is it different from the expectations of those around you? Where do you want to go and how can your community help you get there?

A Matter of Grief

Photograph (C) acuriousgirl 2011

 The world has been lately filled with a great sense of loss. There is so much going on out there that it is hard not to feel it, and deeply. When we think of grief, we tend to think of the loss as death or divorce, yet there are many types of loss that are often overshadowed. Any type of loss should be allowed space for grieving.

Sometimes sorrow can be over what appears to be a simple casualty, such as an injury or a job. Both of these can have huge impacts. Imagine having spent your life as a runner, falling & injuring the knee so bad that you can never run again. Grief may seem silly to outsiders, who may believe you are lucky you can still walk, but to the individual it can feel like a monumental misfortune, forever changing life’s landscape.

Losing a loved one is terrible and gut wrenching. Yet if you are so busy being strong for those around you when you finally take the time to mourn there may be more pain waiting for you than previously thought. Guilt, shame, hurt all pile up in a corner, waiting to be uncovered & swept out.

By denying yourself the right to mourn, you stifle your own healing process. If we bear in mind that quite often what we interpret as others judging us in truth us judging ourselves, we can gain the power of allowing ourselves permission to mourn whatever we have lost .

The demise of a dream, ability or any other loss should not be allowed to be judged by others as ridiculous or unimportant, because grief is very personal. The best way to work through any type of sadness is allow yourself to feel it, embrace it and once worked through, permitting us to see any benefit we may have missed.

In the end not all loss is bad and some loss is meant to give us opportunities we might otherwise have failed to spot. Working through the grieving process is both healthy and necessary, no matter what it is we grieve.

Unicorn hair, ramen and weekends

This past week was so busy! I learned Excel, did pilates twice and attended a yarn conference.
As far as pilates goes, I have lost 3 inches off my hips and not sure how much off my waist. It's quite visible to me though and the best part is I go once a week for an hour. Thus far that is 7 weeks very well spent!

Friday I started a new painting which I am quite happy with. I restarted the Willowing art and healing class, which was just what I needed to try and get some of the shading down that has been alluding me. I wanted to do something fun, so this is what I sketched out...

I had the chance to hit up Stitches West for the first time, which was made all the better by friends! Heather was kind enough to drive and then I got to hang out with her Elaine, Maia and Nathan, plus I fell in love with Purlesence Yarns, who helped me fall in love with Xcentricities Corsets, then I discovered Little Red Bicycle and fell further in love with Craftsy.

Some of this will be used for magic in the shop, woo!

I think my only really gripe is that I would have liked to see more crochet and what I did find was sort of hidden off in corners. No one was rude when I said I crocheted, but most of the products seemed very much geared towards knitters.

For dinner we went to Ramen Club where watching the ramen get made was part of the thrill of eating it. I have to say, Ramen Club is most certainly worth going out of your way for!! I rounded off my weekend with book club lead by Christina in which we discussed Four Kitchens. Four Kitchens makes me wish I had had the ability to stage as she did. It's been a good read so far and her talk of Noodle Town made me so hungry!

This week is more networking and the finally the SF Chocolate Salon an event I always look forward to. Hope you have had a busy week too, don't forget to share what you've been doing!