Letter from a (formerly) Broken Heart

Start dismantling your life at the end of a relationship and you will discover more about yourself than at any other time, except for perhaps illness. All those uncomfortable things that have been ignored, all those compromises you were determined never to make. The feeling that your heart has been ripped out and your guts are dripping on the floor for the whole damn world to see, even as you try desperately to hold it together.

Start clearing your computer, deleting and moving files over and you will discover all the projects you never got to, all the classes and calls you downloaded but never listened to. All that space that was taken up games that took up way more time than was really necessary.

Start clearing out your apartment, after you have still been living together, and see the truth that eventually pulled you apart: this person that was once your love has been in a relationship with themselves for a long time, and it hasn't been going well. No matter how much you might be loved, the spirit has fallen apart so badly that it may never be put back together. Or at least that is the impression that is being gotten.

While you've been busily hiding out from joy, from possibility, from life, everything in your world has been deeply affected. Just keep thinking I should have left sooner or I wish this could be fixed and see how far that gets you. Pay attention to the shock that registers on peoples faces when you respond to their "You haven't together that long" with an answer of thirteen years. They cannot quite comprehend it, all those years and now it is all over, time to move on.

Know that those shoulds are not helping you. They don't change the past. Know that now is the perfect time to give yourself all the things you have been longing for; that deep love and understanding. That truth that includes accepting yourself for all that you are and not worrying about all that you are not. Now is the time to get real forgiveness, to get honest with yourself and get down with love. There is so much out there waiting for you and it isn't in the form of another person. It's in the form of you, becoming your self at long last.

Know that it happened at this time for a reason. Maybe it was all timing. Maybe it was because you have so many amazing people in your life who were there when you needed them most. Maybe it's because whatever is waiting for you is finally ready and needs you be ready, too. Maybe it is to serve as a reminder that things can change dramatically and for the better in a short span of time.

Be gifted with the opportunity to recurate your life (hat tip to Jennifer, that has been my motto for a while now!) and then do it. Don't wait to get trapped by yourself again. Don't look for love outside of yourself until you have rekindled the love inside.

Don't ever forget that you are so much more than you have ever dreamed for yourself and that is just exactly what is waiting on the other side.

Don't forget that I love you. And that you will always be perfect.

Re-Curating Your Life

I have shared before that I come from a long line of pack-rats. It is far too easy to ignore the piles of stuff from discarded hobbies, previous jobs, school and just general life. Somewhere in the midst of all that though, lies some other things. Your past. Some of your sense of self-worth. The secrets to your future.

Last week I decided to start cleaning as though I was moving. Turns out that was prophecy on my part. I know when I have to move by, but not where to or how that is going to happen. This is the scary stuff that is hard to face because getting complacent means we never have to. I'm not proud of it, but I did get complacent.

The last six months have been hard. Harder than any time we have had before. The money struggles have meant giving up things like hanging with friends and little luxuries. It has been stressful. It has finally taken its toll, meaning that after nearly 13 years, I find my self becoming single. There is a lot of sadness for both of us around because it isn't a lack of love that is causing the break. I have a lot of 'stuff' to sort through, mental, physical and emotional. Please bear with me during this technical difficulty. Please keep your hands inside the car and refrain from bad mouthing the man I am parting from. It isn't that kind of ride. Because we can honestly say that we still love each other.

One thing I can certainly admit is that I am not who or where I want to be and lack a clear vision of what that looks like. It would seem that he is feeling much. We've been at energetic odds for a while. There is another lesson in there; we humans tend to spend time fighting about things that don't matter and avoid talking about the things that do.

This is something I cut out of a magazine and pasted into my journal last week. It's all that is on the page. It is likely all that will be on the page. I send myself messages like a channeller, perhaps because that is the only way for me to hear them. I'm terrified of leaping yet once again I have no choice. This is a huge push of forward motion that I may be stumbling through but have to make it one way or the other. It is unbelievably sad and hard and yet it clearly needs to happen. This isn't shaky ground we're on any more.

My friend Jennifer, made a comment on one of my posts that she is 're-curating' her life. How powerful is that? I can stop battling and start re-curating. I can clean out, clean up, set free, let go, move in the right direction. It is not as if I am totally alone, although the loss of someone you love, still love, even if you cannot be with them leaves you feeling lonely and lost and sad.

Once the tears stop and the smoke clears, the best I can hope for is to land on my feet and not on my ass. I will take with me into the future the knowledge that love isn't always enough. Giving more of yourself or giving things up doesn't always work out in your favor. I will take with me the knowledge that I need to pay more attention to the signs at the side of the road that say 'stop here', 'speed limit 45 so you don't miss a thing' or 'now is a good time to stop the fight'. I will remember that being a little selfish is okay and some things aren't worth fighting over. Because battling your life is never a really good option.

Portland: Food, Love and Rain

Last year my younger brother decided to move to Portland. I've spent the last year missing him as he is my partner in crime, the person I take to weird movies or museum days. I had the chance to go and hangout with him recently and we did a lot of eating, a minimum of drinking and some serious talking/watching of Dr. Who. Yes, we are those nerdy people who will stop to catch up on their favorite show while on vacation.

Portland was different than I expected. People keep telling me it's just like SF and Berkeley. Yes and no. Rather parts of it remind me of different places I have been both in California and otherwise. Someone told me Portland was small. Uh, not so much. In fact it was much bigger than I anticipated so navigating became easier once I sat down with my list and sorted out what was where.

Who knew there so many pods of food carts? Not I! We found most of them though we didn't have the chance to eat at all of them. That means there has to be another trip, right? The pod in the top pictures is actually walking distance from where Dorian lives, making it easier for us to get to. He had his first papusa and shocked me by loving the curtido as he dislikes both cabbage and carrots.We also hit up Blue Collar Baking company for scones and hot chocolate before heading to Voodoo Doughnut and then walking all over the Pearl.

Blue Collar Baking was quiet the day that we were there and a perfect spot to recharge our tired batteries after getting turned around and heading in the wrong direction for half a mile. The hot chocolate was perfect, not too chocolatey and the whipped cream has a nice swirl on it. I won't lie that we were left underwhelmed at Voodoo. The lemon cruller lacked lemon, the vanilla coconut was a bit to sweet and the peach fritter needed some more peaches as that was by far the best bit.

Look, we found my Alien pod to take me to the Mother Ship!

Once in the the Pearl we stopped for Thai food, hit up Powell's, dropped into a wonderful vintage shop called Eden and had gin and tonic at The Parish. The Parish is a joint I could see myself hanging out in a lot if I lived closer. Great atmosphere, a fun bartender (he said 'snarf, snarf' in conversation with someone else. He won my over completely with that) and really such a prime location. Definitely check it out! We also stumbled across an olive oil tasting room, Benessere. And in typical style, we attacked all the balsamic, which were pretty fab. Dorian preferred the Jalapeno while I leaned toward Fig. Thus we can tell you nothing about the olive oils until next time.

Saturday we had a really full and adventurous day! After finding some serious treasure at the Farmer's market, including hazelnuts, gorgeous snap peas, pepper jelly and biscuits....okay, can I just rhapsodize a bit here about that? Pine State Biscuits has this delectable sandwich called the Reggie which features fried chicken, bacon and gravy on a biscuit.It normally comes with cheese which it doesn't necessarily need. Dorian was able to get shiitake mushroom gravy, which he said only needed a bit of hot sauce, but he says that about everything! It was an all around win.

We visited Fat Fancy, where I found the cutest pair of green & blue shiny pants that still pain me to have left behind. But they were a size too small and petite so that would have been ridiculous. I didn't even bother trying them on. But I am still really in love with those pants, and I can certainly about them until I find something equally cute. If you are looking for cute vintage in plus sizes sold by totally adorable people, go forth and visit! You will be glad you did.

Realizing that a ton of the places that were on the list we wanted to see in the same neighborhood it was easier to plan. So off we went to The Belmont district filled with funky shops, another food cart pod and gorgeous houses. Along the way we discovered a tiny shop filled with some of the most gorgeous masks. And lucky you she is on Etsy! After hitting up a few more vintage stores, including Savvy Plus, we decided it was time to back to the real work: eating.

We stopped for a lefse and pie but stayed for the biscuits. Blues City Biscuits was just an extra fun and delightful time. The Howlin' Wolf, shrimp & grits with bacon and greens was excellent. We went back for more biscuits because Dorian was getting quite swoony over them. I'm willing to bet that if the lovely lady behind the counter had been willing, he was just about ready to propose. Yup, we are also people who would marry you just because you can make something we love to eat perfect.

The perfectly flaky biscuits were warm and slathered with honey butter. So you can see how one might be induced to go into a food coma with so much good stuff around. Since we had to walk them off so we stopped for cocktails at the Hereafter. Their signature drink comes in a mason jar filled with ice tea, lemonade, bourbon and vodka. Uh, yeah, I limited him to one!

Sunday we went to Multnomah Falls. Lovely.

Really, we barely scratched the surface but I look forward to my next visit and our next adventure. Until then, cheers!

Turtlenecks and naps

Last week I once again fell down on the job when it came to self care. Stress levels have been high and self love quite a bit low. My big takeaway from the week is that it is essential to have something to look forward to like my upcoming trip but also my weekly tea date with one of my good friends.

And I did quite a bit of art, too, which helped. I even took the time to do a blank space page in my vision book. During Spirits of Joy I remembered how much I love the whole cutting, pasting, dreaming aspect of vision journals and having prompts was perfect to keep me on track. Some of us need little rituals to help us do the things we know we need to for ourselves. Which is fine as long as we remember to create them.

This week I also wrote my first mini course, which needs to be edited and run through my proofreader before I kick it out for beta. !!!!

 I have no idea what I did here....and I really wish I did. The more I look at her the more love is felt. She is something really special. And out of the ordinary for me!

This week, make sure you take a time out to rest, relax and replenish. Your body will thank you for it!

Giveaway Winner...and the Danger of Thinking for Others

I've been feeling kind of emo this week.Only two people entered my giveaway, leaving me to believe that only two people liked my photo enough to want to have a copy of it. Which hurts. You see, I'm pretty damn proud of being published again. I never mean to take a hiatus but coming back from one is not always easy. It requires shifting and being open to change. And making the cover was like someone had handed me the perfect slice of cake and then handed me an even better one.

I love photography and always have. Getting a shot that was well received was worth celebrating! I decided to do a giveaway when I was accepted because that photo almost never happened. I almost walked away from it. The fact that it made it into the magazine was a good reminder; sometimes our higher self is speaking to an unrevealed purpose and a photo isn't just a photo.

It was delightful to wake up to a dear friend who posted on FB and commented on the blog. Her response was so moving and elated it nearly made my heart burst. And then....nothing. I could see that people were reading the post. What I couldn't see was if anyone was buying the magazine or who did. Because I am in the magazine and not the creator or editor. I mentioned to one of my closest friends that it seemed really odd to me that no one else had entered the giveaway.

And you know what she said? "I didn't think it was for friends and family." Um. Okay. So I took it to FB and let the world know that it was open to anyone who bought the magazine. I mentioned it to another friend who said she had assumed the same thing. You guys are just killing me.

See this face? That is how I felt this week.

Don't get me wrong: I am so happy that so many of my friends congratulated me and bought the magazine. It is really much more appreciated that you might ever know. 

As it turns out, I learned a valuable lesson I want to share: Don't think for the Seller.

In business and love we often get tripped up by assuming we know what the other person is thinking. Even when they tell is what they are thinking, we, for someone unknown reason, believe that we are correct in our original assessment. And the one thing I can confidently promise you is this: that type of thought process has cost you way more than just one great photograph. And I would really hate for any other opportunities, in general, to pass you by.

*drumroll*

  
The giveaway winner is....both Angel and Pinky! That kind of support deserves a reward and since there are two copies, there are two winners. Thank you both for entering, it means a lot!

My Word of 2013: More

 "A seed, dropped into the ground, springs into activity, and in the act of living produces a hundred seeds; life, by living, multiplies itself." Wallace D. Wattles

a journal page from two years ago

I have had a hard time choosing my word for the year. There were a few that stuck out for me: feminine, shifting, release. The word that stuck though is from a book I have been reading, The Science of Getting Rich. I realize that more is really what I want even though I haven't really been able to put that into the context I was trying to convey. Luckily, Wattles did it quite nicely for me.

"It is the natural and inherent impulse to seek to live more; it is the nature of intelligence to enlarge itself, and of consciousness to seek to extend the boundaries and find fuller expression." 

More to me means:

 

More love: Not just what I take in, what I allow in. What I send out. Including to myself. And I reserve the right to say I don't love someone or want them in my life. Because true self love means not allowing people, things or situations into your life that hold you down or harm you,

More sacred yes. And no: I made a firm decision in November that I needed to be more thoughtful of my yes and no's. I am proud to say that I have done well with honoring my own values which means I am creating a healthy space for others to do the same, for me and for themselves.

More health: the smoothie kick we jumped on a few months ago is still going. We have been taking it seriously, a feat that is made easier by doing it together. Also, more walking, more movement, more nutrient dense food. So boring, I know!

More! More good decisions, more rest, more art, more organization, more time with friends, more travel. Expansion, expression, fullness, open dreaming, letting the sky not be the limit because there is a world beyond it!

What is your word for 2013? What represents where you want to go or who you want to be more of in this shiny new year? What are you releasing so you can grab what you want? Share with me in the comments!

The Benefits of Asking For Help

Resources. We have a tendency to think of resources as things rather than people, forgetting that we have friends and acquaintances who may know things we need to.


We are surrounded by those who not only have answers but actually wish to help. Instead we waste time and energy searching for an answer, when help was sitting right next to us, for fear that we might look stupid, or weak or like a burden.

By never putting ourselves forward, vital connections are missed that could move us in exactly the direction we want and need to go. We have to get over this desire to not burden others, especially when they long to help, to share, to encourage and to celebrate our very being.


I am delighted when I am able to be a resource for others, because I have knowledge they need and the ability to give it freely. Because to share information only helps me in the long run.It helps all of us! We give a gift when we ask for or extend help. It is part of the natural cycle of give & receive that helps keep us all in balance with ourselves and the 'Verse.


Don't be afraid to step outside of yourself, should you need help, energy, support or even just a hug! A resource is a valuable tool, a gift, and not everyone has them. There's gold in them there minds!

Housing the Sole

one of my contributions from 30 days of creativity June 2011

I think a lot about my feet. We stand on them and they hold us up for hours at a time. They allow us to walk, sometimes miles, before we allow them to rest. We don't take care of them the way we should, though, honoring the gift that they bestow upon us. I personally am grateful everyday for having feet that take me where I want to go on my nicely working stems.

My sister takes poor care of her feet. I discovered last year that apparently when our dad was handing out advice on taking care of the feet, he only was talking to me, the daughter with the sudden random growth spurt and long feet. I walk everywhere, so keep my nails trimmed, try to always wear good shoes and if I need to, soak them in salt & bubble bath.

Being kind to the limbs at the end of your legs is important. When I see a person who is no longer easily mobile, I think about how much I would miss that and then I go for a long walk in the sunshine because I can and what a blessing that is! Do what the picture says, and all will be just fine.

Want to treat your feet?

Plan to do nothing for 10 to 20 minutes. Put down a towel. Get something you can easily put both of your feet in and add some warm water. I like it slightly hot so it doesn't cool down too fast. Toss in a handful of Epsom salt. When I run out, I use sea salt, which still has some nice texture to it. Add some of your favorite scent bubble bath or soap and as an extra, add a bit of oil (I like coconut) to help soften. Grab a second towel and a book, sit down, soak your feet. Relax! Enjoy this peaceful moment.

Raspberry Cupcakes

Baking is one of those things I feel I need to do when I feel really mislaigned. The process of creating something from scratch always feels so magical and important to me that I love the whole process. Before you think of how scary it is to bake with the weights and measures, it's really a thing you should relax about. The oven can always tell when you panic! We can still get raspberries here in California but I did originally make these June as I do try to utilize what is fresh and in season. But with Fall not yet raising her pretty head it is really hard to know what season it is right now!

Raspberry Cupcakes

1/2 cup soft unsalted butter
2/3 cup brown sugar
1 cup flour + 1/2 cup oat flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 c half and half
2 eggs
1/4 cup fresh raspberries
12 dark chocolate discs

 preheat oven to 350 F. Line muffin tin.


 Whisk together the dry ingredients and set aside. Beat the butter, sugar, milk and eggs on low until pale and fluffy. Add your dry ingrediants and combine until just mixed. Divide evenly among the muffin cups, place a chocolate disk in sideways and bake for about 15 minutes, or until a skewer comes out clean.

I like to do a basic vanilla frosting with this, butter, powdered sugar plus a splash of milk and vanilla. Enjoy!

Independently Happy

Last year, I had someone tell me that it seemed like I craved the drama of my old life because I miss certain people. At the time, I thought that she could possibly be right.

Upon further reflection though, it is quite easy for someone who has had an easy life to make that sort of assumption.

Much has happened in my life and since I am only a third of the way through it, it seems daunting to people that I have seen so much pain and come out on the other side still happy.

I'm here to tell you this: Unhappiness is severely overrated.

Moving into a space where I don't dwell on my mistakes has allowed me to see my true worth. Sure I have bad days, everybody does.  

But we never have to be whatever someone else tells us we are.

I am vulnerable. I am ready to live my best. And just because I miss people from my past doesn't mean I crave drama. It just means I can look back with clear eyes.

A Curious Girl: Creating Space..... In the Kitchen

I don't like my kitchen.

Okay, to be fair, for the last two years or so I have actively hated my kitchen with a passion.The layout is ridiculous, the space is too small and you cannot imagine how much I miss having a double sink, something I took for granted growing up.

A few weeks ago, I felt something stir within me that ended up being some high falutin' coffee shortbread cookies. Rolled out. Then cut into little hearts. Which is really a lot like work and more time than I ever want to spend in my kitchen.

This past weekend I threw out expired food, I gave away stuff that would never get eaten. I reorganized cupboards and drawers and unlike my usual efforts, I did it one spot at a time. (I am infamous for dumping everything out and panicking because I don't know where to start. Go figure.)

Today, the act of turning on the light made me feel good. I walked into my kitchen and felt....space. There's even room for my new sewing machine tucked away into a cupboard!

When we allow ourselves to remove what we don't need we create space for what we do. It helps create breathing room, leading to more of the good stuff.

What blocks are you ready to clear? What space is ready and waiting to be created by you?

A Matter of Grief

Photograph (C) acuriousgirl 2011

 The world has been lately filled with a great sense of loss. There is so much going on out there that it is hard not to feel it, and deeply. When we think of grief, we tend to think of the loss as death or divorce, yet there are many types of loss that are often overshadowed. Any type of loss should be allowed space for grieving.

Sometimes sorrow can be over what appears to be a simple casualty, such as an injury or a job. Both of these can have huge impacts. Imagine having spent your life as a runner, falling & injuring the knee so bad that you can never run again. Grief may seem silly to outsiders, who may believe you are lucky you can still walk, but to the individual it can feel like a monumental misfortune, forever changing life’s landscape.

Losing a loved one is terrible and gut wrenching. Yet if you are so busy being strong for those around you when you finally take the time to mourn there may be more pain waiting for you than previously thought. Guilt, shame, hurt all pile up in a corner, waiting to be uncovered & swept out.

By denying yourself the right to mourn, you stifle your own healing process. If we bear in mind that quite often what we interpret as others judging us in truth us judging ourselves, we can gain the power of allowing ourselves permission to mourn whatever we have lost .

The demise of a dream, ability or any other loss should not be allowed to be judged by others as ridiculous or unimportant, because grief is very personal. The best way to work through any type of sadness is allow yourself to feel it, embrace it and once worked through, permitting us to see any benefit we may have missed.

In the end not all loss is bad and some loss is meant to give us opportunities we might otherwise have failed to spot. Working through the grieving process is both healthy and necessary, no matter what it is we grieve.

Unicorn hair, ramen and weekends

This past week was so busy! I learned Excel, did pilates twice and attended a yarn conference.
As far as pilates goes, I have lost 3 inches off my hips and not sure how much off my waist. It's quite visible to me though and the best part is I go once a week for an hour. Thus far that is 7 weeks very well spent!

Friday I started a new painting which I am quite happy with. I restarted the Willowing art and healing class, which was just what I needed to try and get some of the shading down that has been alluding me. I wanted to do something fun, so this is what I sketched out...

I had the chance to hit up Stitches West for the first time, which was made all the better by friends! Heather was kind enough to drive and then I got to hang out with her Elaine, Maia and Nathan, plus I fell in love with Purlesence Yarns, who helped me fall in love with Xcentricities Corsets, then I discovered Little Red Bicycle and fell further in love with Craftsy.

Some of this will be used for magic in the shop, woo!

I think my only really gripe is that I would have liked to see more crochet and what I did find was sort of hidden off in corners. No one was rude when I said I crocheted, but most of the products seemed very much geared towards knitters.

For dinner we went to Ramen Club where watching the ramen get made was part of the thrill of eating it. I have to say, Ramen Club is most certainly worth going out of your way for!! I rounded off my weekend with book club lead by Christina in which we discussed Four Kitchens. Four Kitchens makes me wish I had had the ability to stage as she did. It's been a good read so far and her talk of Noodle Town made me so hungry!

This week is more networking and the finally the SF Chocolate Salon an event I always look forward to. Hope you have had a busy week too, don't forget to share what you've been doing!

Breakfast Cuppies

 I've been re-reading the Corrina Chapman mysteries and she always makes me want to bake. I can feel myself drawn into the kitchen ready to experiment and play with all the ingredients that make baking so magical. Flour, butter, sugar and eggs are the base for so many amazing treats that it boggles the mind.

Today I woke up with the urge to make something, anything, that would warm up my kitchen and let me just be in the space of quiet joy that I find when I am really present in the kitchen, in the moment. Here is the recipe for Dried Cranberry Breakfast cupcakes or if you prefer, cupfins. Don't be afraid, be patient. Baking requires you to be calm and not rushed!

1/2 cup butter, soft
1/2 cup + 1 tbsp turbinado sugar
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup whole milk
1 cup dried cranberries

First, put the cranberries into the milk to allow them to plump a little. Sift the flour and baking powder together, set aside. Preheat the over to 350 F and line muffin tins.

This recipe makes 18 cuppies. Beat the butter and sugar until light in color. Add eggs one at a time and allow to incorporate fully. Add half the flour and then half the milk, mix well and repeat. Scrape the bowl, add the cranberries and fold in with the spatula.

Bake for 15 minutes or until a knife comes out clean from the center, remove from oven and let sit a few minutes before eating. I know that's hard!