Letter from a (formerly) Broken Heart

Start dismantling your life at the end of a relationship and you will discover more about yourself than at any other time, except for perhaps illness. All those uncomfortable things that have been ignored, all those compromises you were determined never to make. The feeling that your heart has been ripped out and your guts are dripping on the floor for the whole damn world to see, even as you try desperately to hold it together.

Start clearing your computer, deleting and moving files over and you will discover all the projects you never got to, all the classes and calls you downloaded but never listened to. All that space that was taken up games that took up way more time than was really necessary.

Start clearing out your apartment, after you have still been living together, and see the truth that eventually pulled you apart: this person that was once your love has been in a relationship with themselves for a long time, and it hasn't been going well. No matter how much you might be loved, the spirit has fallen apart so badly that it may never be put back together. Or at least that is the impression that is being gotten.

While you've been busily hiding out from joy, from possibility, from life, everything in your world has been deeply affected. Just keep thinking I should have left sooner or I wish this could be fixed and see how far that gets you. Pay attention to the shock that registers on peoples faces when you respond to their "You haven't together that long" with an answer of thirteen years. They cannot quite comprehend it, all those years and now it is all over, time to move on.

Know that those shoulds are not helping you. They don't change the past. Know that now is the perfect time to give yourself all the things you have been longing for; that deep love and understanding. That truth that includes accepting yourself for all that you are and not worrying about all that you are not. Now is the time to get real forgiveness, to get honest with yourself and get down with love. There is so much out there waiting for you and it isn't in the form of another person. It's in the form of you, becoming your self at long last.

Know that it happened at this time for a reason. Maybe it was all timing. Maybe it was because you have so many amazing people in your life who were there when you needed them most. Maybe it's because whatever is waiting for you is finally ready and needs you be ready, too. Maybe it is to serve as a reminder that things can change dramatically and for the better in a short span of time.

Be gifted with the opportunity to recurate your life (hat tip to Jennifer, that has been my motto for a while now!) and then do it. Don't wait to get trapped by yourself again. Don't look for love outside of yourself until you have rekindled the love inside.

Don't ever forget that you are so much more than you have ever dreamed for yourself and that is just exactly what is waiting on the other side.

Don't forget that I love you. And that you will always be perfect.

Re-Curating Your Life

I have shared before that I come from a long line of pack-rats. It is far too easy to ignore the piles of stuff from discarded hobbies, previous jobs, school and just general life. Somewhere in the midst of all that though, lies some other things. Your past. Some of your sense of self-worth. The secrets to your future.

Last week I decided to start cleaning as though I was moving. Turns out that was prophecy on my part. I know when I have to move by, but not where to or how that is going to happen. This is the scary stuff that is hard to face because getting complacent means we never have to. I'm not proud of it, but I did get complacent.

The last six months have been hard. Harder than any time we have had before. The money struggles have meant giving up things like hanging with friends and little luxuries. It has been stressful. It has finally taken its toll, meaning that after nearly 13 years, I find my self becoming single. There is a lot of sadness for both of us around because it isn't a lack of love that is causing the break. I have a lot of 'stuff' to sort through, mental, physical and emotional. Please bear with me during this technical difficulty. Please keep your hands inside the car and refrain from bad mouthing the man I am parting from. It isn't that kind of ride. Because we can honestly say that we still love each other.

One thing I can certainly admit is that I am not who or where I want to be and lack a clear vision of what that looks like. It would seem that he is feeling much. We've been at energetic odds for a while. There is another lesson in there; we humans tend to spend time fighting about things that don't matter and avoid talking about the things that do.

This is something I cut out of a magazine and pasted into my journal last week. It's all that is on the page. It is likely all that will be on the page. I send myself messages like a channeller, perhaps because that is the only way for me to hear them. I'm terrified of leaping yet once again I have no choice. This is a huge push of forward motion that I may be stumbling through but have to make it one way or the other. It is unbelievably sad and hard and yet it clearly needs to happen. This isn't shaky ground we're on any more.

My friend Jennifer, made a comment on one of my posts that she is 're-curating' her life. How powerful is that? I can stop battling and start re-curating. I can clean out, clean up, set free, let go, move in the right direction. It is not as if I am totally alone, although the loss of someone you love, still love, even if you cannot be with them leaves you feeling lonely and lost and sad.

Once the tears stop and the smoke clears, the best I can hope for is to land on my feet and not on my ass. I will take with me into the future the knowledge that love isn't always enough. Giving more of yourself or giving things up doesn't always work out in your favor. I will take with me the knowledge that I need to pay more attention to the signs at the side of the road that say 'stop here', 'speed limit 45 so you don't miss a thing' or 'now is a good time to stop the fight'. I will remember that being a little selfish is okay and some things aren't worth fighting over. Because battling your life is never a really good option.

Word of the Month for May: Focus

The other day while gazing at last month's new moon board I had a realization: most of that happened.

It feels like things are coming together a little easier. More engagement has been had! I went to this super magical art class. I wrote. I was more active within my online communities. There were some bad days. But all in all? April went pretty well.

So clearly, doing a new board was essential!

New moon? Eclipse? Not movies, baby, but the timing for a new board, new shifting, more magic.....

Messages from the Canvas

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Isolation is a Dreamkiller. Barbara Sher

                                                                                                                                                   

The Motherload

 I have purple paint under my fingernail. In my mind, I'm still dancing with glitter paint and painting flowers. Paint, paint, paint. I sit at home doing my artwork and wondering, who will like this, who will connect to this, who will care? I suspect that it is the same for many artists.

The choice to go check out an intuitive art class wasn't a conscious one. That was a soul choice, rising up from within, clamoring for something deeper. I was nervous. So used to feeling out of sync with the dynamic in a room. Awkward. The warmth of my welcome was not lost on me. Hmmmm...... I was hugged, I was greeted kindly, I was listened to.

This isn't an art class on a typical level. You aren't there to learn how to draw or paint better. The purpose is get into the work and listen to your inner guide. It is so easy to forget that there is so much wisdom within us. Our inner guides, our intuition has so much to say.

Painting in a quiet room filled with other people is liberating. Knowing that there is someone there to help if you need creates a sense of peace that is needed when getting deep into the process. Which I did. These shifting waves that began in March are still tumbling over me. Still opening me.

And then came a message from the canvas. While I am ready to create more space, this is not a practice I have much experience in. Clearly my subconscious is letting me know that it is time to create something new. It is both exciting and terrifying.

My takeaway from Chris Zydel's Intuitive Art class? That out of syncness doesn't have to exist. This is not a competition. The only person I need to get really vulnerable with in that room is myself. And that is possibly the greatest challenge of all.

Blackberry: A magazine and a Giveaway!

For the past six months I have been wanting to write more. For the past three months I have been writing more. One of my goals was to submit to Blackberry: A Magazine, the lit magazine by my FB friend Alicia Sommer.

One of the reasons I have been wanting to submit is that I like what I see. More than any other magazine aimed at Black females I feel like this one gets me. Gets that I am not wanting to see a zillion ads for skin lightening cream or hair straightener. One that recognizes I am both reader and writer. One that has flesh, bone and blood.

So in January when I was able to pull together some pieces that would work with the theme I got so excited about submitting that when I was accepted there wasn't a lot of room left to get all crazy. Until Wednesday night when I got this message on FB: Hey S Luna Raven, look who made the cover. :)

Are you kidding me?!

So, I have two poems in this issue and I made the cover. I made the cover. I made the cover. Okay, I think it is safe to say that I am really, really excited!

Now the good for you part: if you buy a copy of the magazine, let me know in the comments so you can be entered to win a signed 5x7 copy of this photo. You can buy either the digital or print version of the mag, you just need to let me know in the comments that you did. That's it! It's so worth it, not only to support me (which I thank you for) but all the other ladies and the fabulous Alicia, who works so hard to make this so great!

The giveaway ends March 8th at Midnight. Don't be shy, tell all your friends!

<3

Luna

My Word of 2013: More

 "A seed, dropped into the ground, springs into activity, and in the act of living produces a hundred seeds; life, by living, multiplies itself." Wallace D. Wattles

a journal page from two years ago

I have had a hard time choosing my word for the year. There were a few that stuck out for me: feminine, shifting, release. The word that stuck though is from a book I have been reading, The Science of Getting Rich. I realize that more is really what I want even though I haven't really been able to put that into the context I was trying to convey. Luckily, Wattles did it quite nicely for me.

"It is the natural and inherent impulse to seek to live more; it is the nature of intelligence to enlarge itself, and of consciousness to seek to extend the boundaries and find fuller expression." 

More to me means:

 

More love: Not just what I take in, what I allow in. What I send out. Including to myself. And I reserve the right to say I don't love someone or want them in my life. Because true self love means not allowing people, things or situations into your life that hold you down or harm you,

More sacred yes. And no: I made a firm decision in November that I needed to be more thoughtful of my yes and no's. I am proud to say that I have done well with honoring my own values which means I am creating a healthy space for others to do the same, for me and for themselves.

More health: the smoothie kick we jumped on a few months ago is still going. We have been taking it seriously, a feat that is made easier by doing it together. Also, more walking, more movement, more nutrient dense food. So boring, I know!

More! More good decisions, more rest, more art, more organization, more time with friends, more travel. Expansion, expression, fullness, open dreaming, letting the sky not be the limit because there is a world beyond it!

What is your word for 2013? What represents where you want to go or who you want to be more of in this shiny new year? What are you releasing so you can grab what you want? Share with me in the comments!

The Benefits of Asking For Help

Resources. We have a tendency to think of resources as things rather than people, forgetting that we have friends and acquaintances who may know things we need to.


We are surrounded by those who not only have answers but actually wish to help. Instead we waste time and energy searching for an answer, when help was sitting right next to us, for fear that we might look stupid, or weak or like a burden.

By never putting ourselves forward, vital connections are missed that could move us in exactly the direction we want and need to go. We have to get over this desire to not burden others, especially when they long to help, to share, to encourage and to celebrate our very being.


I am delighted when I am able to be a resource for others, because I have knowledge they need and the ability to give it freely. Because to share information only helps me in the long run.It helps all of us! We give a gift when we ask for or extend help. It is part of the natural cycle of give & receive that helps keep us all in balance with ourselves and the 'Verse.


Don't be afraid to step outside of yourself, should you need help, energy, support or even just a hug! A resource is a valuable tool, a gift, and not everyone has them. There's gold in them there minds!

Reciprocity

The call in the world right now is do good, help others and everything else will fall in line. There are certainly some though, who might attest that it is not always quite so simple. I say things may be lining up, though very different from how you envisioned. This might be the perfect time to step back and assess.

So, what good have you gained from the good you have put out into the world? Has it taken a form that made it almost unrecognizable as reciprocity? I have found that much of what I do for others is paid back in kind from completely different quarters. Today might be a good day to really sit down and count your blessings.

You will be surprised at the bounty of goodness you have received when you weren't even looking.

What abundance have you reaped that might have come from good you did for someone else? Share it in the comments, because celebrating abundance always brings more!

I Move in Joyous Abundance

the art in my office

What makes you feel joyful and abundant?

How can you create more of that?

Bartending School Week 1

Right off the bat I gotta tell you that one of the reasons I like the SFSOB is that if you come to the Monday intro class, you actually get behind the bar. And I like that the first day after lecture we did just that. We were behind the bar making & learning drinks.

Some I knew, like the Screwdriver, the Cape Cod, the Fuzzy Navel. And some drinks were sorely testing me Wednesday and Thursday. Frou Frou drinks like the Purple Hooter and the Appletini are just foreign to my whiskey loving palate.

I know that there is quite a bit of disgust these days regarding bartending school among old guard bartenders out there, but I have to say, as well as I can spot which liquor is which and knowing what mixes with what, this is both a similar and dissimilar activity as working as a chef.

The movements, for example the lift & pop, take practice to get them smooth. Finding the rhythmic fluidity is important and yesterday I started to get it. I would rather do that in the classroom than on the job so that it becomes a natural habit without me looking like a total idjit in front of customers!

Since I already know that I am adept at retaining recipes, one trick I used was to find similar drinks and group them together. Make a Greyhound from grapefruit and vodka. Salt the rim for a Salty Dog, For a Sea Breeze, add cranberry. This has actually been a helpful tool in getting the drinks down. (pun possibly intended)

Some people are a little sad that we are using water to practice with. As our first instructor pointed out, beyond legalities, with the amount of practice we do he'd be having a heart attack every time we poured out a drink! It is also probably good for those who may think that it is all about drinking behind the bar....

I am also reading this book by William Grimes and think I need to get a copy of it.This is the sort of information I love, history and classic cocktails. Total win, right?! Well, I have to go because I have class and a midterm today, woo! But stay tuned, tomorrow we will be at the East Bay Wine Trail pouring for Stomping Girl and then tasting later in the day, so there will be an update Sunday!

Glittery hugs!

A Curious Girl: Creating Space..... In the Kitchen

I don't like my kitchen.

Okay, to be fair, for the last two years or so I have actively hated my kitchen with a passion.The layout is ridiculous, the space is too small and you cannot imagine how much I miss having a double sink, something I took for granted growing up.

A few weeks ago, I felt something stir within me that ended up being some high falutin' coffee shortbread cookies. Rolled out. Then cut into little hearts. Which is really a lot like work and more time than I ever want to spend in my kitchen.

This past weekend I threw out expired food, I gave away stuff that would never get eaten. I reorganized cupboards and drawers and unlike my usual efforts, I did it one spot at a time. (I am infamous for dumping everything out and panicking because I don't know where to start. Go figure.)

Today, the act of turning on the light made me feel good. I walked into my kitchen and felt....space. There's even room for my new sewing machine tucked away into a cupboard!

When we allow ourselves to remove what we don't need we create space for what we do. It helps create breathing room, leading to more of the good stuff.

What blocks are you ready to clear? What space is ready and waiting to be created by you?

My First Etsy Sale and Daylight savings

I made my first sale on Etsy! I am pretty excited that the buyer bought what is truly one of my favorite pieces. You know how much I love things that sparkle & shine! And it feels good to have made my first sale!

 Last week was rough because everyone has been sick. Weirdly being sick made more focused so I did four paintings and started a crochet bag as well as working on my crocheted baby sweater. I sadly had to scrap one of the paintings due to the paper but that is still the survival of three I am really happy with!

I am also convinced that I am the only person I know who is excited about daylight savings time. For me it is a time of more light which equals more freedom. When I was younger I had to drive mom around in the winter due to her night blindness. It meant that my winter was never my own and the early dark still makes me a little sad. I never feel like I have lost an hour so much as I have gained more time over all.

My neighborhood at sunset

What successes are you celebrating this week?

Unicorn hair, ramen and weekends

This past week was so busy! I learned Excel, did pilates twice and attended a yarn conference.
As far as pilates goes, I have lost 3 inches off my hips and not sure how much off my waist. It's quite visible to me though and the best part is I go once a week for an hour. Thus far that is 7 weeks very well spent!

Friday I started a new painting which I am quite happy with. I restarted the Willowing art and healing class, which was just what I needed to try and get some of the shading down that has been alluding me. I wanted to do something fun, so this is what I sketched out...

I had the chance to hit up Stitches West for the first time, which was made all the better by friends! Heather was kind enough to drive and then I got to hang out with her Elaine, Maia and Nathan, plus I fell in love with Purlesence Yarns, who helped me fall in love with Xcentricities Corsets, then I discovered Little Red Bicycle and fell further in love with Craftsy.

Some of this will be used for magic in the shop, woo!

I think my only really gripe is that I would have liked to see more crochet and what I did find was sort of hidden off in corners. No one was rude when I said I crocheted, but most of the products seemed very much geared towards knitters.

For dinner we went to Ramen Club where watching the ramen get made was part of the thrill of eating it. I have to say, Ramen Club is most certainly worth going out of your way for!! I rounded off my weekend with book club lead by Christina in which we discussed Four Kitchens. Four Kitchens makes me wish I had had the ability to stage as she did. It's been a good read so far and her talk of Noodle Town made me so hungry!

This week is more networking and the finally the SF Chocolate Salon an event I always look forward to. Hope you have had a busy week too, don't forget to share what you've been doing!

Life in the Details

Lately when I have been reading the Scoutie Girl blog I feel as though each post is speaking directly to me. Like this one Well Fed Artists and this one today Are you leaving enough space for your life in your work?

I am looking at my calender for the next few weeks and things are starting to pick up again. And truthfully, the past two weeks, my balance has been off. Way off. Since I love being busy, I need to be much more aware and keep myself check: no matter how much I have to do I need to make sure I am eating right and stopping when my body says stop.

Scarf action with ArtFibers fabulous Kanji, tussah silk and bamboo

Luckily every week before my coaching call, I have to journal about what I have done in the last week. This has been one of the most powerful tools anyone has ever shared with me. In my mind I am a slacker. In my journal it would appear that I do so much I can't even remember half of it! If you haven't tried this you might find it a really helpful trick.

I have been busy crocheting, too, but not too busy to get in some art....

Are you listening to yourself to make sure that your life is in line with your busy? What tricks do you use to make things easier?