Letter from a (formerly) Broken Heart

Start dismantling your life at the end of a relationship and you will discover more about yourself than at any other time, except for perhaps illness. All those uncomfortable things that have been ignored, all those compromises you were determined never to make. The feeling that your heart has been ripped out and your guts are dripping on the floor for the whole damn world to see, even as you try desperately to hold it together.

Start clearing your computer, deleting and moving files over and you will discover all the projects you never got to, all the classes and calls you downloaded but never listened to. All that space that was taken up games that took up way more time than was really necessary.

Start clearing out your apartment, after you have still been living together, and see the truth that eventually pulled you apart: this person that was once your love has been in a relationship with themselves for a long time, and it hasn't been going well. No matter how much you might be loved, the spirit has fallen apart so badly that it may never be put back together. Or at least that is the impression that is being gotten.

While you've been busily hiding out from joy, from possibility, from life, everything in your world has been deeply affected. Just keep thinking I should have left sooner or I wish this could be fixed and see how far that gets you. Pay attention to the shock that registers on peoples faces when you respond to their "You haven't together that long" with an answer of thirteen years. They cannot quite comprehend it, all those years and now it is all over, time to move on.

Know that those shoulds are not helping you. They don't change the past. Know that now is the perfect time to give yourself all the things you have been longing for; that deep love and understanding. That truth that includes accepting yourself for all that you are and not worrying about all that you are not. Now is the time to get real forgiveness, to get honest with yourself and get down with love. There is so much out there waiting for you and it isn't in the form of another person. It's in the form of you, becoming your self at long last.

Know that it happened at this time for a reason. Maybe it was all timing. Maybe it was because you have so many amazing people in your life who were there when you needed them most. Maybe it's because whatever is waiting for you is finally ready and needs you be ready, too. Maybe it is to serve as a reminder that things can change dramatically and for the better in a short span of time.

Be gifted with the opportunity to recurate your life (hat tip to Jennifer, that has been my motto for a while now!) and then do it. Don't wait to get trapped by yourself again. Don't look for love outside of yourself until you have rekindled the love inside.

Don't ever forget that you are so much more than you have ever dreamed for yourself and that is just exactly what is waiting on the other side.

Don't forget that I love you. And that you will always be perfect.

Re-Curating Your Life

I have shared before that I come from a long line of pack-rats. It is far too easy to ignore the piles of stuff from discarded hobbies, previous jobs, school and just general life. Somewhere in the midst of all that though, lies some other things. Your past. Some of your sense of self-worth. The secrets to your future.

Last week I decided to start cleaning as though I was moving. Turns out that was prophecy on my part. I know when I have to move by, but not where to or how that is going to happen. This is the scary stuff that is hard to face because getting complacent means we never have to. I'm not proud of it, but I did get complacent.

The last six months have been hard. Harder than any time we have had before. The money struggles have meant giving up things like hanging with friends and little luxuries. It has been stressful. It has finally taken its toll, meaning that after nearly 13 years, I find my self becoming single. There is a lot of sadness for both of us around because it isn't a lack of love that is causing the break. I have a lot of 'stuff' to sort through, mental, physical and emotional. Please bear with me during this technical difficulty. Please keep your hands inside the car and refrain from bad mouthing the man I am parting from. It isn't that kind of ride. Because we can honestly say that we still love each other.

One thing I can certainly admit is that I am not who or where I want to be and lack a clear vision of what that looks like. It would seem that he is feeling much. We've been at energetic odds for a while. There is another lesson in there; we humans tend to spend time fighting about things that don't matter and avoid talking about the things that do.

This is something I cut out of a magazine and pasted into my journal last week. It's all that is on the page. It is likely all that will be on the page. I send myself messages like a channeller, perhaps because that is the only way for me to hear them. I'm terrified of leaping yet once again I have no choice. This is a huge push of forward motion that I may be stumbling through but have to make it one way or the other. It is unbelievably sad and hard and yet it clearly needs to happen. This isn't shaky ground we're on any more.

My friend Jennifer, made a comment on one of my posts that she is 're-curating' her life. How powerful is that? I can stop battling and start re-curating. I can clean out, clean up, set free, let go, move in the right direction. It is not as if I am totally alone, although the loss of someone you love, still love, even if you cannot be with them leaves you feeling lonely and lost and sad.

Once the tears stop and the smoke clears, the best I can hope for is to land on my feet and not on my ass. I will take with me into the future the knowledge that love isn't always enough. Giving more of yourself or giving things up doesn't always work out in your favor. I will take with me the knowledge that I need to pay more attention to the signs at the side of the road that say 'stop here', 'speed limit 45 so you don't miss a thing' or 'now is a good time to stop the fight'. I will remember that being a little selfish is okay and some things aren't worth fighting over. Because battling your life is never a really good option.

A Matter of Grief

Photograph (C) acuriousgirl 2011

 The world has been lately filled with a great sense of loss. There is so much going on out there that it is hard not to feel it, and deeply. When we think of grief, we tend to think of the loss as death or divorce, yet there are many types of loss that are often overshadowed. Any type of loss should be allowed space for grieving.

Sometimes sorrow can be over what appears to be a simple casualty, such as an injury or a job. Both of these can have huge impacts. Imagine having spent your life as a runner, falling & injuring the knee so bad that you can never run again. Grief may seem silly to outsiders, who may believe you are lucky you can still walk, but to the individual it can feel like a monumental misfortune, forever changing life’s landscape.

Losing a loved one is terrible and gut wrenching. Yet if you are so busy being strong for those around you when you finally take the time to mourn there may be more pain waiting for you than previously thought. Guilt, shame, hurt all pile up in a corner, waiting to be uncovered & swept out.

By denying yourself the right to mourn, you stifle your own healing process. If we bear in mind that quite often what we interpret as others judging us in truth us judging ourselves, we can gain the power of allowing ourselves permission to mourn whatever we have lost .

The demise of a dream, ability or any other loss should not be allowed to be judged by others as ridiculous or unimportant, because grief is very personal. The best way to work through any type of sadness is allow yourself to feel it, embrace it and once worked through, permitting us to see any benefit we may have missed.

In the end not all loss is bad and some loss is meant to give us opportunities we might otherwise have failed to spot. Working through the grieving process is both healthy and necessary, no matter what it is we grieve.